THE MINIMALISM GUIDE: THROW EVERYTHING AWAY AND CRY
šļø MINIMALISM RUINED MY LIFE - NOW IT CAN RUIN YOURS! šļø
Marie Kondo meets mental breakdown in this brutally honest guide to destroying your life aesthetically.
WHAT YOU'RE BUYING:
š 3 Pages of Minimalist Chaos
šļø 5-Stage Journey to Regret
š Certificate of Minimal Achievement
š¦ Emergency "I Threw Too Much Away" Kit
š Guaranteed Tears (Joy Not Included)
š Bonus: Echo Chamber Living Tips
THE TRUTH ABOUT MINIMALISM:
Ever wanted to throw away everything you own, live in an empty apartment, then panic-buy it all back at 3 AM? This guide makes that dream a reality!
INSIDE THIS LIFE-RUINING PDF:
ā Stage 1: Netflix documentary overdose
ā Stage 2: Throw away your personality
ā Stage 3: Live in an echo chamber
ā Stage 4: Panic shopping at 3 AM
ā Stage 5: Denial but make it aesthetic
INCLUDES PRACTICAL ADVICE LIKE:
- How to eat rice for every meal (minimally)
- Why one plate is never enough
- Converting your bedroom into a void
- Justifying spending ā¬500 on "minimal" items
- Crying aesthetically in empty rooms
PERFECT FOR:
- People who think less stuff = more happiness (LOL)
- Netflix documentary victims
- Anyone who's ever said "I don't need things"
- Your friend with the empty apartment
- Procrastinators (organizing = not doing real work)
- Gift for materialistic friends (passive aggressive)
REAL CUSTOMER REVIEWS:
āāāāā "I followed this guide and now I own nothing. My apartment echoes. 10/10"
āāāāā "Threw away my bed. Sleeping on floor. Very zen. Very uncomfortable."
āāāāā "My personality is now just 'minimalist.' Thanks, I hate it."
WARNING LABEL:
Side effects include: Empty apartment syndrome, echo-induced madness, superiority complex, inferior living conditions, chronic regret, and explaining to everyone why you only own 3 shirts.
THE ā¬3.50 BREAKDOWN:
- ā¬1.00 - For the irony
- ā¬1.00 - Therapy fund (you'll need it)
- ā¬1.00 - To buy your stuff back
- ā¬0.50 - Pure profit (minimal profit)
MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE:
No refunds. We've minimized our refund policy too.
FROM THE CREATOR WHO BROUGHT YOU:
- "F*ck You Fix: How to Ghost Your Own Life"
- "The Procrastination Bible"
- "404: Success Not Found"
- Other digital disasters available!
INSTANT DOWNLOAD - Because waiting isn't minimal
The Minimalism Guide: Throw Everything Away and Then Cry What youāll get (English): A 3āpage parody miniāworkbook (A4, PDF) 6āstep āMinimalism Protocolā (Purge Party, Aesthetic Emptiness, OneāSpoon Diet, Spreadsheet of Nothing, Minimal Crying, Ironic Reābuy) MiniāChecklist: The One Spoon Starter Kit Printable certificate: āCertified Minimalist (Probably)ā with your name (Comic Sans vibes) Instant digital download Specs: File: PDF ā¢ Pages: 3 ā¢ Language: English ā¢ Humor: PGā13 satire Personal use only Friendly note: 100% parody. Declutter your perfectionism, not your IDs, meds, or heirlooms. For: F*CK YOU FIX: How to Ghost Your Own Life (without dying) What youāll get (English): A 3āpage parody miniāguide (A4, PDF) Step 1: Delete your calendar (ādigital detoxā) Step 2: Tell no one; post cryptic āgone.ā Step 3: Live off instant noodles & regret Bonus: Printable certificate āCertified Ghost Proā (name field in Comic Sans) Instant digital download Specs: File: PDF ā¢ Pages: 3 ā¢ Language: English ā¢ Humor: PGā13 satire Personal use only Optional oneāliners (use as a section header on Gumroad) What youāll get (English) ā 3 pages of chaotic clarity + a printable certificate. Download includes: PDF (A4) in English. Print, frame, regret (tastefully).